I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
