grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
