nut hugger
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
