Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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