Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
