i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
