Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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