stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
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Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
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I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.