I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.