It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
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I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
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Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.