after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
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i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
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He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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