My liver just broke up with me...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
