Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
