So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
