I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
