turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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