when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
