I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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