i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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