Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
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I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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