You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
