I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
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Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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