My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
