of course. lets lasso hookers.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
