I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
