You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
