I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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