I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
