Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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