Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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