Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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