i love accidental penises.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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