I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
