Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
