I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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