You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
