i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
