We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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