i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize