so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
