the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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