i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
