bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
