im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
