I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So much rum. So many feels.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
