the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize