BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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