i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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