My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
