Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
