I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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