just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
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I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
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You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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