i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
