I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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