so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
