so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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