mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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