You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
