I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
