im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
