Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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