Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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