i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
