You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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