he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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