I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i already hear my dad disowning me
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
