if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
