Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
