Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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